A week later and I feel fine.

Usually by this time I’ve already messaged my ex and let my BPD side come out. I’ve shown great restraint on my part. I’m focusing on the negatives of the relationship instead of the positives and telling myself I don’t need that. 

I deleted his phone number, unfriended him, deleted all messages between us on fb messenger, deleted all of his pics. He never followed me on any other social media so that’s not a problem. I’ve almost completely wiped him out of my life. Only thing left to do is block him but I’ll only do that if he contacts me. 

I will be smart this time. I’m moving on, not dwelling on. It’s been a long time since I was able to say that. We’re going to be super busy over the summer months and that’s how I want it to be. Just living life, no time to dwell on the insignificant. This summer is about my daughters and I. My oldest is going off to high school and lots of stress. So I’ve got to make it as fun as I can around her marching band schedule. Her birthday is in July. She likes it low-key. I was hoping we’d be in our new apartment by then but I guess not. 

I’m doing a lot of sitting around, hurrying up and waiting. It’s driving me batty. 

I’m just hoping that here in a couple of weeks I have good news to pass on. 🤞🏼


“I just don’t see it working out…”

I’ve heard that so much lately. It would make sense if there were problems but there haven’t been. It seems like such a cop out. What you say when you don’t have a real reason (or a reason you can say out loud such as, “I’m cheating on you”). 

If you’re going to make up an excuse to break up with someone, come up with something legitimate. Don’t give them something half-assed like, “I just don’t see it working out”.  

In case you can’t tell I broke up with my boyfriend. I was strong and I stood up for myself in the face of bullshit and stupidity. He made it easy by being an ass. 

Just don’t be a jerk. 

My four legged baby is sick.

My oldest cat is sick. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him but after 5 hours at the vet yesterday I found out his lungs sound rough and he had a fever. He was given a steroid shot and some amoxicillin. 

He’s been wheezy for a little while now but I thought it was because he’s overweight. The past week or so he’s been acting like he’s been trying to throw up a hair ball but can’t (and getting very twisty when he does it) and I’m pretty sure he’s vomiting. I can’t say for sure, I haven’t seen him do it and I have three cats, but he’s the one making all the noises. 

Hopefully the antibiotics get him well again and it’s not anything more serious. My kittybabies being sick is just as stressful as my human babies being sick. I worry about them a little more though because they can’t tell me what hurts or how they feel. I also don’t have pet insurance so if I can’t afford the procedure right then, I just have to hope for the best. 

I hope to have an update that he’s in better health soon. I lost a kittybaby 2 years ago this month to liver and kidney failure and I’m not sure I’d be able to handle losing my old man. 

My cup runneth over…

Well actually it doesn’t, and that’s a good thing in this instance. I’ve become a part of the menstrual cup cult and I love it. It’s a whole new experience but it’s nice. 

I don’t have to worry about whether I have enough tampons with me or in the cabinet anymore. I can go a much longer time without having to empty it. I can see just how much I’m bleeding (which seems like it’s way less than it was). It’s a little more effort than tampons and pads but the benefits outweigh that extra effort you put in. I’m definitely sold. 

Of course, I haven’t had to use it at someone else’s house or change it out in public yet but I think I’ll be ok. At least this way there’s no rattly papers or trash left behind. I’m so self conscious about that sort of thing. Now no one knows but me 😊. 

I was really hesitant about it at first. I really thought it was kind of gross. Then I read a thread in a women’s fitness group I’m in and all those women loved their cup. They all said there’s a learning curve (you’ll see that phrase a lot when you’re researching cups) and there is, but in the end they loved them. It convinced me and I placed my order right then. Now I’m a convert. 

I still have some of my old habits. I want to change it out frequently like I did tampons, for fear of leaking or it being full but it never does and it never is. I just have to get used to it. 

I guess it’s just a new journey I have to ease into. I’m loving it so far though. What about any of my vagina having readers? Are any of you cup users? Have you considered it? What do you think of the idea? I’d like to hear what you guys think! 

I finally finished something. 

I finished 8’s blanket today. It’s a corner to corner blanket and it’s taken me probably close to a year. It’s fairly large, almost as big as my queen sized bed but it took me that long because I would put it down for long periods of time and not work on it. If I had worked on it non-stop it wouldn’t have been nearly as long. 

I’m not sure what my next project will be. I’ve got a broomstick lace scarf that I’ve started and gotten a few rows into but put aside for the blanket. I may work on it. Or I may make a few animals. I owe the girls a couple of octopi and I downloaded a seahorse pattern not too long ago. The animals work up a lot faster. They take me about a week. 

Knowing me I’ll start another blanket again soon. Maybe not a corner to corner. I’d like to do another like I made for my ex’s mom. I forgot what they are called. There are a lot of ends to weave in though. That’s the worst part of the whole process. 

I’ll figure it out, I guess. Any excuse to buy yarn is good enough for me 😀. 

Can I literally run away from my problems?

I’ve started running again. I haven’t ran since November. I don’t like running in the cold and I can’t afford a gym membership. I’ve been out twice and both times my legs have given me hell. They’ve been acting up lately. Restless at night and I’ve barely been able to get through my usual 2.5 miles without my legs saying, “Oh, hell no”. 

I love to run though. Sure, while I’m running I’m a mess. My nose runs, I’m sweaty, I can’t breathe (still can’t kick the cigarettes), and there’s an an muscle on the right side that always starts hurting a little while in, but when I’m finished I feel so great. I’m clear and happy. The after run shower is awesome. Runner’s high is real y’all. A lot of people say they run for health or so they can eat that extra piece of cake. I want that extra piece of cake but I also want this. This happy feeling. This natural antidepressant. I understand how people get hooked on exercising. 

8 is acting more like she’s 13. She was so moody this morning. Whining and flinging herself around. I tried to fix her hair because it’s naturally wavy/curly but she cried the whole time. Actual tears. Crying because I was fixing her hair and she wanted to watch tv. My actual 13 year old isn’t as moody as she is. 

I’ve got cleaning to do but it seems pointless because no matter how much you clean this apartment it still looks terrible. It’s too small for us, we have too much stuff, the carpet is falling apart and they won’t replace it, everything is old, and even when you clean things they look dirty. It’s fighting a losing battle. 

I guess I need to do it anyway though. 😕

Another year older

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn’t expect anything out of it and that’s what I got. Besides the people who saw the notification on their Facebook, I had a few friends reach out and say happy birthday. Other than that it was just like every other day. My mom says we’ll have a cake for me next Wednesday. We’ll see, I guess. That’s only happened one birthday out of the last 5 years or so but she says it’ll happen every year. I’ve stopped thinking it will. 

It’s not getting older that bothers me, I don’t think. I don’t think I’ve spent a birthday outside of a depression since I was 22-23 years old. And I may have been then also but I think it was a mixed state. It’s been so long since I could just enjoy something without the dark clouds all around. 

I imagine I’ll have to have my medication adjusted. I usually do around this time of year. The last two years that was done in a hospital setting. I can’t let it happen that way this time. I haven’t been assigned to a new psychiatrist yet. Apparently I have to stay on them about it. My therapist isn’t much help but I’ve been seeing one for 7 years now and neither were much help. I still have the same thoughts, the same habits, the same hurt. 

I want to say something positive but I just don’t have anything right now. I’m counting down the days to a very important day and it has me so nervous and anxious that I can’t tell if I’m coming or going. My positive thoughts seem to have fled. I hate this. I hate this feeling, I hate these thoughts, I hate that this is considered a life. It’s not, it shouldn’t be. I’m just surviving through one depression after another, with small breaks in between. If true remission is possible, why can’t it happen to me?