Can I literally run away from my problems?

I’ve started running again. I haven’t ran since November. I don’t like running in the cold and I can’t afford a gym membership. I’ve been out twice and both times my legs have given me hell. They’ve been acting up lately. Restless at night and I’ve barely been able to get through my usual 2.5 miles without my legs saying, “Oh, hell no”. 

I love to run though. Sure, while I’m running I’m a mess. My nose runs, I’m sweaty, I can’t breathe (still can’t kick the cigarettes), and there’s an an muscle on the right side that always starts hurting a little while in, but when I’m finished I feel so great. I’m clear and happy. The after run shower is awesome. Runner’s high is real y’all. A lot of people say they run for health or so they can eat that extra piece of cake. I want that extra piece of cake but I also want this. This happy feeling. This natural antidepressant. I understand how people get hooked on exercising. 

8 is acting more like she’s 13. She was so moody this morning. Whining and flinging herself around. I tried to fix her hair because it’s naturally wavy/curly but she cried the whole time. Actual tears. Crying because I was fixing her hair and she wanted to watch tv. My actual 13 year old isn’t as moody as she is. 

I’ve got cleaning to do but it seems pointless because no matter how much you clean this apartment it still looks terrible. It’s too small for us, we have too much stuff, the carpet is falling apart and they won’t replace it, everything is old, and even when you clean things they look dirty. It’s fighting a losing battle. 

I guess I need to do it anyway though. 😕

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Another year older

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn’t expect anything out of it and that’s what I got. Besides the people who saw the notification on their Facebook, I had a few friends reach out and say happy birthday. Other than that it was just like every other day. My mom says we’ll have a cake for me next Wednesday. We’ll see, I guess. That’s only happened one birthday out of the last 5 years or so but she says it’ll happen every year. I’ve stopped thinking it will. 

It’s not getting older that bothers me, I don’t think. I don’t think I’ve spent a birthday outside of a depression since I was 22-23 years old. And I may have been then also but I think it was a mixed state. It’s been so long since I could just enjoy something without the dark clouds all around. 

I imagine I’ll have to have my medication adjusted. I usually do around this time of year. The last two years that was done in a hospital setting. I can’t let it happen that way this time. I haven’t been assigned to a new psychiatrist yet. Apparently I have to stay on them about it. My therapist isn’t much help but I’ve been seeing one for 7 years now and neither were much help. I still have the same thoughts, the same habits, the same hurt. 

I want to say something positive but I just don’t have anything right now. I’m counting down the days to a very important day and it has me so nervous and anxious that I can’t tell if I’m coming or going. My positive thoughts seem to have fled. I hate this. I hate this feeling, I hate these thoughts, I hate that this is considered a life. It’s not, it shouldn’t be. I’m just surviving through one depression after another, with small breaks in between. If true remission is possible, why can’t it happen to me? 

Stability is my unicorn. 

I’ve fallen into a depression again. My medication got messed up because my brain is foggy half the time and I didn’t realize I didn’t have it for a few days, then the pharmacy didn’t get it in for 5 days. I’ve been back on it for a week now but I don’t feel any better. I feel like I should be in the hospital but hats not an option because there’s no one to make sure the girls go to school. So I somehow have to get through this by myself. 

I don’t currently have a psychiatrist. The one I was seeing left the place I go to. So they’re assigning me to a new one there but they haven’t done it yet. I think I’m going to have to make a call today and push for them to make the appointment. I can’t keep going with these dark thoughts and this feeling of being underwater and trying to constantly work against the current to try to do everything. 

My whole everything has fallen apart and I feel helpless to fix it. Everything has a dark tint to it. I feel like there’s some kind of force pressing down on me, making me heavier than I usually am. My apartment is even more of a wreck than usual, we need groceries, I need to have someone check out my washing machine, I need to go to the bank and deposit money so I can try to go on 13’s band trip to Chicago with her. 

I’ve let everything fall to the side and I know I need to do these things but when I think about leaving and doing them I feel tight in my chest and it’s hard to breathe. I need someone to help me but there’s no one I can ask for help. Everyone else has their own things to attend to. 

I’m afraid this is going to ruin my new relationship. I really adore him, more than I have anyone in a long time. I don’t want it to fall apart because I’m so screwed up. There’s got to be a way to get through this without checking myself in, right? 

Right? 

A boring life is not a stress free life.

Sometimes I wish I had a more exciting life so I had interesting things to write about but I really just don’t. Everything I have to write about makes me feel like I’m complaining to the internet at large because I have no real friends and definitely no mom friends.

My oldest and I have managed to pick up MRSA from somewhere. She had it first and it spread to me. It’s very inconveniently on our behinds and very painful. I just found out it was MRSA today and will be switching to the right antibiotics tomorrow. I’ll be taking her to the doctor tomorrow to get her a prescription for hers. Where, how, why? I don’t know. She’s only naked when she’s using the restroom, changing her clothes, or showering. (She’s very shy.) So the odds of her having her butt exposed are low and limited to a public bathroom. All I know is, I’ve got to get it wiped out ASAP.

My daughters hate each other. To the point that it was severely affecting my youngest’s daughter’s behavior at home. Yelling, hitting, yelling and talking back to me, lying to me, crying fits whenever she doesn’t get her way, completely ignoring me when I tell her to do something, she pooped in her pants and just sat in it until she decided she was ready to get up and go change them.
The final straw came one day when she stayed home from school with a bad headache (usually a precursor to a migraine). Afternoon rolls around and she wants to go outside. But the rule is, don’t go to school, don’t go outside. She was very angry. She stood in front of me and yelled at me about how mean and rude I was being and it was fair. She said she knew how much I hated to hear her cry so she was going to stand right there and cry until I let her go outside. And I let her do it for about a minute. Then I said, “why do you think there are special rules for you but not for sissy?” And she started yelling at me. So I said, “Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to go to your room, right now. This is unacceptable behavior.” Off she stomped.

I then contacted her father and told him I thought she needed to stay with him for a little while. She was out of my control and I don’t know what’s going on with her. He came and got her the next day and brought her back and forth until the weekend where we had a long talk and decided to ask her if she wanted to switch to where she lived with him during the week and me on weekends. She said she wouldn’t mind it but she doesn’t want to leave her school. So we worked it to where he has her Sunday night after church, Mon, Tues night she’s with him and Wed & Thurs & Fri morning she’s with me. Every other weekend he’ll pick her up Friday afternoon and she’ll have a weekend with him, the opposite weekends she’ll be staying with me Friday and Saturday night then going to church Sunday morning then her grandparents will take her to him after church. Hopefully it’ll help with her acting out. I’m hoping separating them some will help her.

I’ve been doing a lot better with my moods lately. I’ve been spending my time in the living room, watching tv and crocheting. Ive recently got a car. It needs a lot of work but having transportation is awesome. We can leave the house now! It’s a great feeling.

I have a boyfriend. He’s amazing. I adore him. His son is sweet and adorable. I’ll talk more about that another time. This post is already long and I mostly wanted to talk about the girls. I’m hoping I’ll be able to come back soon and say she has straightened out and the problems have cleared up. Here’s hoping, right?

I’m on a rollercoaster ride but not the fun kind.

My moods are out of this world lately. I’m rapid cycling like crazy. I’ll be super depressed, can’t get out of bed, thinking terrible thoughts for a couple of days and then I’ll wake up and I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep, I’m hyper and alert, I’m cleaning, I’m leaving the house and getting things done. I’m awake at 4am right now because even though my body felt ill today my mind was zapping its way around everywhere. I have things to do today so I can’t sleep all day. I’ll be running on caffeine and curse words.

I don’t know how to get this under control. We’ve adjusted my anti-depressant. Is this something we would adjust my mood stabilizer for? I think a call to the psychiatrist is in order.

I’m trying to pull myself out of a year+ of disordered eating. It’s HARD. My body is fighting it. When I eat my stomach starts to hurt and I start to sweat. My stomach isn’t used to having this much food. Sometimes I can’t tell if the pains are hunger pains or pains from the food upsetting my stomach. I’m not sure exactly how I’m supposed to go about this. Right now I’m just trying to make myself eat at least three times a day. Any time my stomach makes grumbly noises I try to eat. I don’t know if it means I’m hungry but that’s what I’m going with.

I’m having problems with the space where I had a tooth pulled. I think it’s swollen and it’s still sore. I go to the dentist Thursday. I imagine she’ll give me antibiotics. I’ve got probiotics but she might as well give me diflucan as well.

I made a rule where the girls can only have 2 hours of screen time a day. That includes tv, computer, and iPad. It doesn’t include homework on the computer, reading books on the kindle app, or using the websites the teacher sent home to practice math and reading skills. They also can do things to earn more time. Taking out the trash, cleaning litter boxes, sweeping, folding their clothes, etc. I’m going to have them being productive members of this household who can cook and clean if it kills me.

I spend a ton of time on the Internet and Facebook is usually my #1 place to go but lately all it is, is politics and I’m so burnt out! 😕. I’ve started spending a bunch of time on Pinterest, pinning pins I’ll never do, just to get away from it. Don’t get me wrong, I too am worried about where my nation is headed but it’s 24/7 in your face every other article and I can’t breathe anymore.

Pinterest though, beautiful crochet patterns, shoes!, clothes, funny pictures, anything I could want. It’s like eye bleach. Which is also a site but I’ve never been there. I’ve been thinking about making myself crack down on my crochet and start trying to sell it. People were interested in my animals I made. If I made more I think they’d buy them and they only take about a week. I can make messy bun hats. I’m going to finish this broomstick lace infinity scarf.

Ok, you’ve convinced me. My new rule is 2 hours every night dedicated to crochet. First I have to finish Samantha’s blanket. I’ve been working on it for months and it’s not even half done. Maybe whip up a couple messy bun hats in the meantime. Then start the animals.

I’ll have to think about it a little. I’ve certainly got the yarn for it.

It’s 4:30am. Looks like I’m pulling an all nighter! Sister has an orthodontist appointment today and my oldest has therapy. Caffeine and curse words, folks. 😉

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

The girls and I like to make salt dough ornaments every year. Aside from a couple of years when I was just too depressed and couldn’t keep the tradition up, we’ve made them every year since 2009. We’ve got a bunch of different ones because last year, I believe, I changed the cookie cutters we used (Michael’s had a pack with some awesome options) and now we have some really cute ones.

We made ours a couple of weeks ago, I think week before last, but I’m just now getting around to posting about them. I thought I’d show off what my girls can do.

If you’d like the recipe it’s
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup water
Straw
Yarn or thick string
Paint
Sharpie or other felt tip permanent marker
Optional: glitter glue, felt, Pom poms, etc.

You may need more water. You just kind of have to eyeball it to get the right consistency. You want it to be easy to roll out, not sticky, but for it to hold together well on its own. I double the recipe because the recipe as is doesn’t make very many ornaments at all. If you only have one child it would probably be enough though.
I’ve seen recipes before that put cinnamon in there and said it would make them smell nice. I tried it one year and it didn’t work. I may not have used enough cinnamon though. You can always experiment with your own spices.

Preheat your oven to 200°. Mix everything together in a large bowl then roll it out onto a floured surface until it’s about 1/4 of an inch thick. Too thick and they’ll take too long to dry, not thick enough and they won’t be very strong. Use whatever kind of cookie cutters you like and cut until you run out of dough.

Place ornaments onto ungreased cookie sheet and using the straw make a hole in the top of the ornament for you to thread the yarn or string through to hang it. (I almost always forget this part and have to pull them out of the oven and do it.) Bake for about 2 hours, turning halfway through.

When they’re finished baking and all cooled off its time for the fun part, painting! The girls love coming up with different designs for their ornaments. We use glitter glue also to give them that extra pizzazz but you could glue any kind of craft item you wanted to on them. After the paint is dry turn them over and write the child’s name and the year on the ornament. It’s always fun for them to look back and see how their skills develop over the years. Thread the yarn/string through the hole in the top and VOILA! You have beautiful Christmas ornaments your babies will be proud of. I haven’t done it yet but you may want to get some sort of clear coat spray paint or maybe mod podge to seal them with. Sometimes they crack over the years.

We’ve given these to teachers as Christmas gifts before, to family members, our whole tree is nothing but these ornaments they and friends have made over the years. It’s a tradition your kids can pass to their kids and they will always remember.

I’m going to close this with some pictures of my girls doing their creative thing this year and a picture of the ornaments they made. My youngest daughter’s are on top and my oldest’s daughter’s are on bottom. There’s no limit to what they can do!

When does it get easier?

At some point, life has to stop kicking you in the side doesn’t it? There has to come a time when you get to stand up and say, “Ok, yeah, I’m going to be ok now.” I can’t help but wonder if that time is ever going to come.

I’ve started Christmas shopping, sort of. They get a little harder to shop for when they’re older and they have just about everything. I’ve decided to mainly get them clothes this year. My youngest has asked for a spy kit toy so I’m going to try to get that, and they’re both getting a set from Bath & Body Works, but other than that? Clothes. They both need them and once I figure out what size my youngest is actually wearing now (she has outgrown everything!) they’ll be the easiest thing to shop for.

Right before Halloween I bought her some shoes to wear for pictures we were having made. They already don’t fit her. Her dad just bought her shoes that are 2 sizes bigger. Keep in mind that I tried a half size up on her when I bought these shoes but she said they were too big. I don’t know how to keep up with how fast she’s growing. Clothes I just bought her in July are already too small. She’s a weed! I can’t give her hand me downs from her sister because they’re five years and a lot of sizes apart. It’s really fun, let me tell you.

It’s almost time for that magical time of year, Winter Break. Two whole weeks of them sitting around and bickering at each other because it’s too cold for me to send them outside to get out of each other’s faces for a little bit. They’re really good at picking at each other over stuff that doesn’t matter. It drives me up the wall.

I’ve been shutting myself off from the world lately. I don’t have much desire to interact with people. In my head I know this is a bad thing and I need to force myself to not isolate but it gets so tiring trying to hold conversation. I don’t have anything to talk about. There’s nothing going on in my life right now. It’s just kind of blank. When I tell people that they don’t believe me and want to dig for some sort of revelation that isn’t there. So I just try to avoid the conversation altogether.

It’s a special kind of hell when you can’t really function in society because of anxiety and depression (in my case random instance of hypomania also) but you really, really hate being so isolated from society. You want to go out and join in but you know the effect it will have on you will undo any progress you’ve managed to make. I’d love to get a job and be with people. Unfortunately it exhausts me and causes panic attacks and usually leads to a breakdown. I hate being like this. I want to have “normal” problems and stresses. I hate that I never know if I’m going to be able to get through something or I’m going to end up in the hospital again.

This post is quite long. I think it’s time to end it for now. I’ll end it on this note, reach out to someone today. Everyone is struggling with something. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone can be a bigger help than anyone realizes.