Stability is my unicorn. 

I’ve fallen into a depression again. My medication got messed up because my brain is foggy half the time and I didn’t realize I didn’t have it for a few days, then the pharmacy didn’t get it in for 5 days. I’ve been back on it for a week now but I don’t feel any better. I feel like I should be in the hospital but hats not an option because there’s no one to make sure the girls go to school. So I somehow have to get through this by myself. 

I don’t currently have a psychiatrist. The one I was seeing left the place I go to. So they’re assigning me to a new one there but they haven’t done it yet. I think I’m going to have to make a call today and push for them to make the appointment. I can’t keep going with these dark thoughts and this feeling of being underwater and trying to constantly work against the current to try to do everything. 

My whole everything has fallen apart and I feel helpless to fix it. Everything has a dark tint to it. I feel like there’s some kind of force pressing down on me, making me heavier than I usually am. My apartment is even more of a wreck than usual, we need groceries, I need to have someone check out my washing machine, I need to go to the bank and deposit money so I can try to go on 13’s band trip to Chicago with her. 

I’ve let everything fall to the side and I know I need to do these things but when I think about leaving and doing them I feel tight in my chest and it’s hard to breathe. I need someone to help me but there’s no one I can ask for help. Everyone else has their own things to attend to. 

I’m afraid this is going to ruin my new relationship. I really adore him, more than I have anyone in a long time. I don’t want it to fall apart because I’m so screwed up. There’s got to be a way to get through this without checking myself in, right? 

Right? 

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