When does it get easier?

At some point, life has to stop kicking you in the side doesn’t it? There has to come a time when you get to stand up and say, “Ok, yeah, I’m going to be ok now.” I can’t help but wonder if that time is ever going to come.

I’ve started Christmas shopping, sort of. They get a little harder to shop for when they’re older and they have just about everything. I’ve decided to mainly get them clothes this year. My youngest has asked for a spy kit toy so I’m going to try to get that, and they’re both getting a set from Bath & Body Works, but other than that? Clothes. They both need them and once I figure out what size my youngest is actually wearing now (she has outgrown everything!) they’ll be the easiest thing to shop for.

Right before Halloween I bought her some shoes to wear for pictures we were having made. They already don’t fit her. Her dad just bought her shoes that are 2 sizes bigger. Keep in mind that I tried a half size up on her when I bought these shoes but she said they were too big. I don’t know how to keep up with how fast she’s growing. Clothes I just bought her in July are already too small. She’s a weed! I can’t give her hand me downs from her sister because they’re five years and a lot of sizes apart. It’s really fun, let me tell you.

It’s almost time for that magical time of year, Winter Break. Two whole weeks of them sitting around and bickering at each other because it’s too cold for me to send them outside to get out of each other’s faces for a little bit. They’re really good at picking at each other over stuff that doesn’t matter. It drives me up the wall.

I’ve been shutting myself off from the world lately. I don’t have much desire to interact with people. In my head I know this is a bad thing and I need to force myself to not isolate but it gets so tiring trying to hold conversation. I don’t have anything to talk about. There’s nothing going on in my life right now. It’s just kind of blank. When I tell people that they don’t believe me and want to dig for some sort of revelation that isn’t there. So I just try to avoid the conversation altogether.

It’s a special kind of hell when you can’t really function in society because of anxiety and depression (in my case random instance of hypomania also) but you really, really hate being so isolated from society. You want to go out and join in but you know the effect it will have on you will undo any progress you’ve managed to make. I’d love to get a job and be with people. Unfortunately it exhausts me and causes panic attacks and usually leads to a breakdown. I hate being like this. I want to have “normal” problems and stresses. I hate that I never know if I’m going to be able to get through something or I’m going to end up in the hospital again.

This post is quite long. I think it’s time to end it for now. I’ll end it on this note, reach out to someone today. Everyone is struggling with something. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone can be a bigger help than anyone realizes.


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